* Friday, December 03, 2004 *  
I just finished talking a little bit with Prof. O'Donnell. I came to him with an e-mail the other day saying that I'm at the point in my life where I'm thinking of a career change. And he told me many things in only a few minutes. He was very excited and happy to speak with me. I have to thank him somehow some day. He told me that trying new things is probably better than being "streamlined" as I had put it. Grad school applicants that have tried a variety of things are prefered. I suppose it falls under the "well-rounded student" umbrella. I always thought that "well-roundedness" was a dumb thing to look for (what about "students like me" who already knew what they wanted??), but now I can see why professors would prefer students who took a little while to look at other possibilities. It's not that they're flighty--it's that they're all that much more likely to be dedicated to what they finally chose. Plus, they learn along the way. Hopefully I can be that way. I suppose it's like dating and personal commitment. Prof. O'Donnell compared chosing a career to marriage. I thought about Glenn. Of course he knows what he wants. It's because he's dated. He says that every relationship is different and that being with them didn't give him any more experience for how to interact with me. But I know he's wrong. Unfortunately, that's the only thing I know for sure, that he doesn't know. I know I'm ignorant about these kinds of things, and I always always wish I had dated before I found Glenn. It wasn't for lack of trying, just horrible luck with guys. I'll always curse those guys that never gave me a chance.

So what am I thinking? What do I think about Glenn? What do I think about my career? And, what about this grad school thing and taking a year off?

What I think about Glenn. If I were to go off and date (if that were even possible I don't know), all I would really accomplish is finally convincing myself that Glenn is the best for me. I know it now, but I crious by nature. So I would accomplish finally "REALLY" knowing. What does that mean, anyway. I would have also accomplished breaking up with him and I would have wasted all that time. I know it's true. Or am I trying to convince myself...? Of course, I can absolutely see myself messing up my relationship with Glenn to "go off and find myself" and I just sit there without a date for five years before I come crawling back.... (To the person I belong with in the first place....)

What I think about my career. I don't know. In fact, I'm enjoying not knowing right now. I can live life and take classes for myself, instead of for paleontology. It was all for paleontology. For the higher cause. Well, I learned that there is no higher cause than personal happiness, and if I no longer fit into a career choice, if I find myself shoving my soul into a certain direction, I may be successful, but I would not be happy.

That grad school thing. Hell, yeah, I'm going to grad school. I want to be a scientist of some kind, I know that at least. I think I'd wither and die if I weren't doing science. So grad school is a definite yes. But where? In what field? And, interstingly, when? I don't know the answers yet. "When" is a bit more focused; I'm almost certain now that I'll be taking a year off to work and find internships or research and/or visit grad schools and potential advisors.

Prof. O'Donnell also told me that taking a year off is probably to my advantage. He said it's all a matter of personal choice, of course, and that it's best to do things when you're ready to do them; he implied that if I'm even thinking about taking a year off, I probably need a recharge and I wouldn't be 100% ready for grad school anyway. This is my own extrapolation and he may not have meant this, but may have thought it were so if he thought about it a little while longer.


All of this really happened on Tuesday night. I've also got more news. I was talking with a Geology friend of mine in the comp lab on Wednesday. She was in Montana with me n Glenn and I got to ask her why there were always bad vibes towards Glenn. She said that there were just some things he said sometimes.... And she brought up the example with Brent. It made me so mad that the fact that Brent was a dick got Glenn into bad favor with the group. It wasn't fair. So I gave her a piece of my mind. I was as harsh as I could bring myself to be. But where I LOVE doing this to people is when I give them a piece of my mind and they thank me for it. I spy on people this way.... But the things I found out.... She said that "some people" (Glenn thinks this was code for my friend herself) "don't know why you n Glenn are dating"... I tried to find out why "people" thought this, and what I found out was absolutely unfair judgement. Maybe more on this later, maybe not. What exactly were the details that she told me are not important and I don't want to hurt anyone.

But I mean, what the hell?? I know why I'm dating Glenn. No one else is dating him (and no one else better ;) ) so they have no reason to have to know, and they should mind their own business. I can't believe this kind of behavior is still seen in people beyond 12 years old. Well, I know for a fact I will see it for the rest of my life because that's just human nature, but two points: one, I'm glad I see it as rarely as I do (the fact that this annoys me means that I'm not used to it; that means I rarely see it and that's good), but two, it was such a pity that this behavior DOMINATED the lifestyle in Montana. This was something I wasn't expecting. And it is also a pity that being so concerned with stupid things prevented people from knowing how cool Glenn is. I know how he feels, though. I've been through the same thing (a lot), and so has he, and that is people not giving us (as individuals in the past, I'm not talking about us as a couple) a second good look and giving us a chance. Not that he's necessarily secretive, but there's more to him than meets the eye, as happens with most of those who are of a deeper, more thoughtful nature.

My "friend" was trying to get the old Montana group together for bowling either this weekend or next. I asked her if I could bring Glenn, and that's how we got into the conversation I paraphrased above. Hmm, you know, I think I'm too busy to make bowling this time....

In other news, I'm beginning to plan my trip to Europe. I'm trying to convince my parents to meet us in Spain. My dad was under the assumption that he and I were going to Peru this summer (!!) while I had been planning it for some other summer.... Well, all this stuff has to be worked out, but we'll be talking it out this weekend a little. I'm so glad that things are starting to fall into place with that trip. It will be the trip of a lifetime, no matter how it goes.
posted by Andy* | 11:53 AM

* Monday, November 29, 2004 *  
Bonjour! C'est moi again.

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posted by Andy* | 9:53 PM